10 posts tagged “anxiety”

Well, let's just say we won't be expecting any special Christmas gifts this year.  Of course I wasted a pee stick, and of course I started shortly thereafter.  I had completely forgotten that my doc had given me a tiny estrogen patch last month, so I have to wonder if that's why things have been so different this go-round.

Don't get me wrong, I'm loving not being mental for my first period in a long time.  I actually volunteered at Simon's school all day yesterday, grocery shopped, and then went to a meeting at church last night.  All on the first day of my period, and all without going mental!  Not one crying jag and not one anxiety attack!  Let's hear it for better living through modern medicine!

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning, and I imagine we'll be scheduling the formerly-dreaded "post-coital exam" that I've managed to talk him out of for the past two months.  I told Steve that when he gives a sample, at least he can just hand them the cup and run.  For this exam I'm just stuck there, feet in stirrups, feeling awkward and embarrassed.  We've tried for a few more months with nothing happening, so now I finally feel like I'm ready to start moving forward with some different tests and treatments. 

You don't want to believe that there might be something else wrong, so you keep trying the old fashioned way; but eventually you get to the point where you realize that you need to start doing something different.  Dr. B. said that they can find out a lot from this exam.  We'll know if I have an "inhospitable environment" a.k.a. sperm killing cervical mucus.  Dr. B. also referred to it as a "poor man's semen analysis", as they'll also do an ersatz sperm count on the sample they take.  If there are no swimmers, they'll know it's not me.  If there are lots of expired swimmers, chances are either my "environment" is too acidic, or I'm producing anti-swimmer antibodies or something.  If everything looks fine, then we might need to take another look at the possibility that I might have endometriosis.  (I don't have the classic symptoms of endometriosis, but that doesn't guarantee that I don't have it.) 

Depending on what we find out, we might look into laparoscopic endometriosis surgery, or we might start looking into inter-uterine inesmination (IUI).  IUI is where I go in for an ultrasound to make sure I'm ovulating, then they take a sample from Steve, spin out all of the best swimmers, and then insert the gold medal winners directly into my uterus to do their thing.  I was afraid the IUI was going to be really spendy, but I asked and found out that it's only going to cost $312.  (The other things can be covered by insurance--Yay!) 

I'm trying not to look too far into the future, because if these options don't work, we can't afford the really spendy options like IVF.  Plus, I still question at what point I'll get the picture that maybe we're not supposed to have another child.  Simon is an amazing kid, and all of this makes me cherish him all the more.  I still want him to have a brother or sister to love and alternately irritate and cherish as they grow old together.

I'll of course keep you posted.

For the past couple of days, I've been all wound up like an eight day clock. (A favorite phrase of my mom's.)

I've been dealing with mom's Medicaid application and trying to clean up some IRS messes over the past few days.  Normally I would be able to do both without having a nutty.  Yesterday and today I've been completely on edge about every little thing.  It's to the point where my heart's been racing during the day and I've been having nightmares at night.  I'm assuming it's a stress/Clomid combo, because the only other things that cause these symptoms for me are pseudoephedrine and caffeine; and I've avoided both lately.

Fingers crossed that the 9,432nd round of Clomid is the charm.

Wait, that's not how you spell relief!  (Sorry, those childhood commercials are deeply ingrained.)

I am completely dumbfounded about how much better I feel since this whole Lent thing started.  While I'm still a little worried about a few things, they're reasonable things to worry about and I'm worried about them a normal amount.  It always amazes me how much peace I feel about everything in my life when I focus less on my petty problems, and more on what I think God wants me to be doing.

I've done really well on my decluttering mission so far.  There have been a couple of days when I only spent 15 minutes doing it, but one of those days was decluttering our medicine cabinet, so it was a quality 15 minutes.  The other days, I've spent a couple of hours on the mission.  I'm ashamed to admit how much stuff we have, but I've been working on an area in the back corner of our basement that is stacked high with boxes, and it's almost cleared out!  I'm also a little ashamed of the vast amount of supplies I've moved over into my crafting/sewing/scrapbooking area.  As I run across supplies, I remember buying them.  Heck, I sometimes even remember what project I bought them for.  I haven't been sorting through any of that stuff, I've just been moving it over to the area in the middle of the room that will (hopefully) soon be my craft area.  I am embarrassed by how much stuff is there!  I haven't been getting rid of any of it.  I want to sort through it and see what I actually have before I decide what to get rid of.  I can tell you that I'm all wiggly with excitement about the prospect of being able to actually do something artistic.  I've heard that doing artistic things is a good stress reliever.  I can't wait to try out that theory!

I think my goal for today is going to be to try to sort all of that stuff out.  Since Sundays don't count in the Lenten season, I might even get to do something artistic as soon as tomorrow!!!

And I am SOOOOO glad!  I'm finally starting to feel normal and not freak out about every little thing.  (Not freaking out is very good, btw.)

I also finally figured out that the chromium supplement that I was taking was what was causing my insomnia.  Since then, I've slept through the night every single night.  (Sleep is very good, also.)

We got everything out of my mom's house, and found a place for her dog.  Now I have tons of clothes and stuff from her house in my house.  I didn't want to get rid of them because she still needs clothes, but I have no idea what she can still wear.  Nothing in her house was sorted in any way, shape or form; so I have quite a bit to deal with.  Because of that, I've been down in my basement trying to get it cleaned out.  After going through my mom's stuff, I decided that I can't keep all of the crap we have down there for someone else to have to deal with.  Plus, if you've read my blog at all, you know that cleaning out my basement has been a goal of mine ever since I moved in here.  (Since the basement was already full when we got here.)  I have to admit that I'm pretty overwhelmed though.  I spent two hours down there yesterday, and I actually made a pretty good dent.  I can't wait to be able to set up an area where I can sew and do scrapbooking and crafts.  I don't think I've EVER had all of my supplies in one place and organized where I can actually find them.  It'll be like crafter's heaven!

On the fertility front, I have to go in for a blood test on Monday morning so they can test my progesterone levels.  I have no idea if we've conceived this month or not.  I took the Clomid and have been really watching my blood sugar, but we've also had a lot of stress so who knows.

My immediate plan for the weekend is to spend some quality time with Simon.  He's spent a lot of time in the past week or two being shuffled around while Steve and I worked to clean out my mom's house.  I can tell that he's a little worse for the wear from the neglect.  The DVR taped two new episodes of "Chuck" last night, so I see an evening of pizza, snuggling, and "Chuck" on the horizon for tonight.

I have to say, though, that our friends are wonderful people!  Our friend's Tracy and Mike took Simon all day last Saturday.  In the morning they went roller skating, and in the afternoon Simon and Preston went to a classmate's birthday party where they played laser tag.  Then on Sunday, we took Simon over to spend some time with our friend Lynn.  (They watched movies, played with army men, ate lots of snacks, and generally just hung out.)  Then Monday was a school holiday, so Simon went roller skating with Tracy's family from 1:00-4:00, then Tracy dropped Simon off at Lynn's to hang out while we moved everything out of mom's house.   I also couldn't believe how many people helped us move!  Steve's niece Bonnie and her husband Sam brought their truck and trailer.  Then my college friends Andrea and Brian, and a new friend from church, Jon, all helped us move.  We couldn't believe how quickly we were done!  Since then, we've spent the past few nights over there cleaning up, and I can't express how glad I am to be done with it.

I'm now off to the basement!

I've been extremely anxious lately, and I couldn't figure out if it's because of the Clomid; or the fact that the holidays were so stressful; Steve has been gone every night because of his school play; or because I'm still trying to get everything straightened out with my mom's house, dog, and Medicaid.

I realized today that most of what's bothering me is going through my mom's house.  I'm disposing of her things, and it's a lot more emotionally draining than I ever expected it to be.  I'm not going through a normal mourning process because my mom is still alive, but not the same as she was before.  I'm still trying to work through the fact that she isn't the same person she used to be.  Deep down I know that she seems to be healthier and happier in the nursing home.  She tells me that she feels safe there, but I know it isn't the situation that anyone would want.  I think Kübler-Ross would put me somewhere in between depression and testing, but boy am I dragging my feet.

It doesn't help that we started on this whole fertility roller coaster a few months ago.  I'm pretty sure that the Clomid that I took last month only exacerbated my anxiety, especially since the treadmill didn't seem to make a dent.  I called my doctor's office a few days ago to let them know that I'm not pregnant, and the nurse assumed that I would automatically start the Clomid again in a few days.  Initially, I told her that I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that until next month when I had things better finalized with my mom.  She told me that either way I'd have to do a blood test at the end of the month, and then go in for an office visit a week after that.  I told her to go ahead and call in the prescription.  It turns out that my doc decided to double the amount of Clomid that I'm taking this month, which has been causing anxiety even before I start the first pill.  

I figured I might as well take the Clomid this month--if only to try to have the baby before the end of the year when we have to start on a third year's insurance deductible.  Our insurance is pretty good (although it doesn't cover fertility issues), but for everything but office visits we have a $600 deductible to meet every year before it starts paying.  I'm still getting bills from all of the procedures we had done before we met our deductible last year.  When I went through Steve's benefit enrollment packet, I didn't realize that our insurance goes from January to December with the calendar year, while our Flex Spending Account goes from September to August with the school year.  Usually I just pay a medical bill, turn in the receipt, and they send me a reimbursement check within two weeks--which I turn around and use to pay another medical bill.  Doing it that way really takes out a lot of the sting of paying all of those bills, but because I only put $1,000 in the Flex Account, it won't cover all of our deductible unless most of the cost comes after the beginning of September.  If we get pregnant this month, we'll be due in mid-October.  That would put us in a new Flex Account cycle, but we should have already met our deductible for this year.  That plan will only work if I get pregnant within the next couple of months, or we'll be paying at least $600 of the hospital bills out of pocket for a 2009 baby. 

I guess what I'm saying is that I chose fiscal responsibility over my own personal sanity--which might just be the sign of an insane person to begin with.  God help me.  (And I mean that as a genuine prayer.) 

Well, my least favorite aunt came for a visit today.  She seems to show up every twenty six days if I want her here or not.  I guess all of the stress I've been under with the holidays and everything with my mom hasn't helped the situation any.  I think I'm going to just chill out until February.  Yeah, that's it. 

If you're ever going to take some meds that make you a lunatic, don't pick December.  We've been running around like crazy people, and I've been wound up like an eight day clock the whole time.

The Saturday before Christmas we had invited Simon's classmates over to eat, decorate Christmas cookies and carol.  We didn't have as many kids show up this year, but since you have to cook and clean no matter how many show up, it was still stressful.

On Christmas eve we had Steve's niece and her husband over for dinner.  Unfortunately, we forgot until the last minute that Steve had to leave the party early to go play at Christmas eve service.  We also found out that my poor nephew-in-law is allergic to cats.  The poor guy was all swollen and stuffy by the time our meal was over.  I finally took pity on him and suggested that we go drive around and look at Christmas lights to get him out of the house.  After that they dropped us back off and left.  I can't say I blame them.

Christmas day was also kind of stressful.  We went and got my mom from the nursing home to spend the afternoon and evening with us. I  feel guilty because she's in there, and I  knew I should really spring her for Christmas, but it fed my anxiety.

Two days before new years we had some friends over for dinner.  That wasn't too bad.  I made barbecue ribs, coleslaw, baked beans, deviled eggs, chips, etc.  I had fun--probably because I threw the ribs and baked beans in a low oven first thing in the morning, and didn't have to get everything done at the last minute.  After dinner we played games for a while, which we haven't done in ages.  (We should do that more often.)

The day before new year's, we went to visit our friend Cory from Nashville and our friend Christine and her kids from Cincy over at Cory's mom's house.  Christine's kids are a little more active than I'm used to, but it was still a good visit.

New year's eve, we invited some friends over at the last minute.  We originally called to see if their son wanted to spend the night with Simon; but when we started talking, we realized that none of us had plans so we invited the rest of his family over as well.  We had all kinds of good junk food, with the idea that it would be our last hurrah before we start eating healthy for the start of the new year. 

Of course it didn't work out that way.  We spent too much for Christmas, and then I've somehow misplaced an insurance check that we figured we could use in a pinch.  Then, nobody bothered to inform Steve that the church doesn't cut checks during the last week of the year so we're short that much more.  All of that means we're waiting to restock the pantry with über healthy veggies, whole grains, etc; and instead working with a menu comprised of foods that have inexpensive ingredients until payday.  For example, I pulled some dry beans out of the pantry and the ham bone from Christmas out of the freezer and started ham and bean soup for tonight's dinner.  Yesterday we had homemade pancakes for breakfast and homemade pizza for lunch while Simon's friend was still here.

Today has been a really sleepy day for me.  I didn't sleep well last night, and then took several naps today.  I haven't even worked on laundry or dishes.  I did start the soup, but I think we're going to have something else for dinner since it won't be done until later.  I don't know what we're having--maybe spaghetti or something.

I'll post again soon with some pics I finally took out of the camera.

I started taking Clomid this week, and it is making me cranky.  I hate to post when I'm in a completely negative mood, so I might not post for a few days.

Not a whole lot going on.  Simon's Christmas party is this Saturday night, so I've been working on cookies for that.  I've barely done any Christmas shopping, but Steve and I are going to try to do it Friday morning while he's out of school but Simon isn't.  Simon has a half day on Friday, so we might try to run to Castleton after we pick him up at 11:30.

Steve's dad had bypass surgery several days ago, but he's doing well and we think they'll send him home today.  My mom is doing ok at the nursing home, too.

I'm spending some quality time with my treadmill in hopes that it'll boost my mood.  Then I'll post more. ;)

I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks.  I can fall asleep, but somewhere around 3:00 or 4:00 am I am wide awake and worrying.  (Usually about things related to our parents.)  Back when I was still drinking caffeine, I was convinced that it caused my insomnia; but I haven't had caffeine or any other stimulant in ages.  I had Steve unearth our treadmill that had gotten covered with boxes a few weeks ago when our basement flooded, but I've been so tired that I haven't used it.  (I think that sort of thing can be an ugly cycle.) 

Sometimes I can get back to sleep, but almost every day this week we've gotten a 5:30 am call from one of Steve's co-workers telling him that they have a weather related delay or closing.  One day we got the 5:30 delay call, and then another call an hour later telling him that they were closing school for the day.  (I don't *have* to be awake until 7:00, so I was not pleased to hear the phone ring before that.)

The past few nights, I've refused to let myself worry.  I've forced myself to lie there and play a mind game where I pick a topic and then have to come up with a topic oriented word for each letter of the alphabet.  I used to do easy topics like food or girls' names.  Last night I was trying to come up with first names of people I went to college with.  I remember getting to N before I fell back to sleep. 

Fortunately several good things happened today.  Not only I finally manage to unclog our bathroom drain that has been running extremely slowly for the past several days, but I got some news on the two things that have worrying me the most.  For the first time in weeks I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. 

Right now I'm exhausted, but I have high hopes that I'll get a good nights sleep.  We're all fighting off a cold, and I'm sure the changing weather and my lack of sleep haven't helped.

Tomorrow morning we have the staff Christmas brunch at Simon's school.  I hope it's fun and not a lot of quality time sitting around listening to the school administrator lecture.  (I like the administrator, but man is he wordy!)   Last year they offered free child care for a few hours so we could go Christmas shopping, but I haven't heard anything about that option for tomorrow.  No matter, I need to get this house cleaned up and finish Christmas decorating so I don't have to rush to get it done before I host Bunco a week from tonight.

I barely know most of the twelve women coming over, yet I'm extremely nervous about having them over for this party.  I have no idea why. I don't think they're judgmental--and I don't care about what the judgmental ones would think anyway.  Yesterday I didn't feel well.  Instead of doing constructive things like cleaning; I made up a list of all of the food I'm going to serve, my grocery list, and a rough draft of a to-do list.  It involves having the house mostly clean and decorated this weekend, so let's all keep our fingers crossed.

I've been so anxious over the past week, and the only reason I can think of is my mom's house.  My mom has a lot of stuff, and there have only been two days in the past week when I didn't wake up at 4:00 am and stress out about getting it cleaned out.  (The other two days I took a sleeping pill so I could finally get some rest.)

I went to the OB/Gyn today for my two week follow-up after my surgery.  They basically just asked me how I was doing, and then he told me some details about what he thinks is going on.  He said that my polyp was pretty tiny, but that I had some extra buildup in there so it's probably good that he cleaned everything out.  We talked about PCOS, but I don't really have enough of the symptoms for him to think that's what's going on.  He said that while my progesterone levels have been slightly elevated when I'm supposed to be ovulating, they aren't as high as they should be so he prescribed a very low level of Clomid. (By low level I mean half a pill each day for 5 days.)  I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Clomid is one of the generic drugs that WalMart uses as a loss leader.  You know I hate The Evil Empire that is Wally, but I'm not stupid.  I had to wait half an hour, but I only paid $5.40 for my three Clomid pills.  When he first mentioned Clomid a few visits ago, I knew that I was going to have to pay for it out-of-pocket so I started nosing around to find out how much it is.  I found that it's just under $50 most places, so I was thrilled to pay $5.40 for it.

In the meantime, I've been trying to get our house cleaned and decorated for Christmas because I'm hosting Bunco here on the 14th.  We have a cut tree in the living room that has white lights and is snow themed, but we also have an artificial tree that goes in the den that will be covered in obscene amount of colored lights and all of our hodge-podge ornaments that we've collected over the years.  We got two matching couches for the living room over the summer, so I had both of our other couches crammed into our tiny den.  We decided to take some of the other furniture down to the basement so we'd have room for the tree in the den.  We moved our big old console TV out of the living room and down to the basement, then we moved our entertainment center from the den into the living room.  After that we took a big table from the den into the basement, and then moved a smaller TV into the den to sit on the built in shelves.  With all of that done, we now have a sofa on either side of the room, and you have to look down to the end of the room to watch TV, but that's ok.  You have to do the same thing in the living room.  I've been waiting for Simon to get his room cleaned before I put the den tree up because Simon wants to help.  At this rate it might be Christmas 2008 before his room is clean and we can get started on the den tree.